YOUDIED

I’m an empty husk. a shadow of a being. a skin without flesh.

well I’m exaggerating but yeah, feeling pretty sad and worried right now reason being my score, more like my academic score. so I had 7 module (21 AU) this semester and it was kinda hard but fun for some module and boring at the other. One of the classes I took was a Japanese class and it was tons of fun. 10/10 would weab and make new tomodachis again.

Another elective I’m taking is HP1100 intro to statistic for social science (I think the name was something along that line. I only remembered the course code). This class was kinda fun but not as fun as the HP1000 intro to psychology. First half is research design and second half is stats specifically hypothesis testing and such. I kinda fucked up the first half since I almost never goes to the lecture and only watch them. But the content itself was kinda different from what I wanted in psych class even tho I know it’s about stats. At least the second half was great, it was stats that was different from what I’ve studied but not too hard that I wouldn’t be able to do it with just my previous understanding of stat.

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2016

New year, new resolution, new me yadda yadda bullshit.

Im still same old me, lazyass stefan who doesnt give a fuck about his own life. Well actually I do so please divine being up there, help me achieve success. Oh and before you ask, “but what do you define as success?” well to me it’s having a wife, childrens ( I’m thinking of 2-3 at least 1 boy 1 daughter Hehe) and a place I can call home. Enough money to pay my bills and live peacefully and still read tonnes of book.

Thats enough of a reminder, now to 2016. It’s been kinda fuckery in 2015. Idk what happen to me on the 2nd half of 2015. Looking back, I look and dress and act like a different person. Well not different but like lazier and all that shit. My GPA dropped, year 1 sem 2 was 4.8 and y2s1 was 4.08 NotLikeThis . my cgpa dropped to 4.48 and I dropped to 2nd class oh how bad I must feel but in reality, not as bad as I would like to be. I certainly felt bad but seeing how my friend is worse, he got a C heh and we all made fun of him. that’s kinda mean and I dont think Ive learned my lesson since Im being lazy right now ….Buuut I AM thinking about the future. Especially my career.

So My friend got into Google Mt.View and I was like “Whoa dude that’s good, what the hell am I doing with my life lazing around in college” and so Ive been kinda depressed and at the same time, motivated to change in 2016. I had some plans that I dont think Ill keep to schedule but Ill most definitely finish it. As I like to say, it’s a marathon.

About the future of this blog itself, Im not sure if Ill keep writing but Ill write when I found something interesting and Im thinking of reviewing idk anything I can find. It would be like this but mostly stuff I found interesting.

I also would like to end this with something I think is quite funny but Im pretty sure its not actually funny. So Ive moved to my new room in the hall of residence. Got a roommate who dances almost everyday to 2am each night, practicing for some kinda competition. I myself has been playing around but I do attend lectures now, that’s a big improvement Kappa. Since moving to the new room, Ive bought some stuff from the supermarket and I felt like each time, I kept buying stranger and stranger things.

At first it was oatmeal, bread, and skippy peanut butter (Praise the lord for letting skippy be made). Next I bought dishwashing soap and 2 tortilla chips (cause it was on discount, dont look at me like that..), and today it was a flip-flop, banana, and a detergent. I dont think its funny per se but I felt funny, probably proof that I’m going crazy for laughing at these kind of stuff heh.

Be Stefan as usual

After not posting anything for a long while. (I couldn’t find anything to write and my motivation is lost on me)

Today I made a comeback. Well not really, let’s see.

So back to what I want to say. Tis a story about this evening. I was walking back home after dinner and I encountered 4 people, probably student but they’re bigger than me so I’m not sure. They brought their basketball to the station and there I was predicting that one of them would slip up and drop their ball to the street, chase after it and got hit by a bus.

Of course I felt bad for thinking that way, but not for long because I wouldn’t feel bad anymore after what happens next. I would feel godfuckingdamanawful. So my bus came and seconds before it stopped, heh the ball fall down into the street, one of the guy chase it and the bus stop a little over a meter before him. I thought to myself,

what a shame that was, he should’ve gotten hit and died. Natural selection and all that shit you know.

and of course as a proper human being, I shouldn’t have felt that way but my arguments are not very convincing if you knew that while it happened, I had a huge ass grin on my face thinking that it would be great if he got hit. I entered the bus and felt like a fucking psychopath for thinking that way.

In other news I was being Stefan as usual, you know, someone who feels happy if someone else died for natural selection reasons. probably kinda got affected by my friend who mostly have the same thought but yeah, I”m done fucked up in the head, me mum shudve check me on da doctor

NTU convocation 2015

So I was browsing facebook and I see a lot of my seniors pictures at their convocation. Honestly I couldn’t care less however it got me thinking, what if it was my turn? I started thinking about how the last year has been and it’s been expectedly boring with no social life you could say. heh what did I even expect from past me. Anyway at the rate this is going, it feels like I’m gonna be all alone with only indonesian friend if our friendship even last that long. I fear for my future I truly do T_T.

off-topic, I’ve been thinking a bit for the last couple of week and it seems I can’t do anything without anyone telling me to do it. it’s less of a motivational issue and more of a “can’t boss myself”. So I found out that I need a boss, preferable someone that would direct me, however I feel that technology-related major especially computer sci/eng would have a hard time in the future if they couldn’t boss/direct themselves cause we need to be able to adapt quickly and study new language as requested.

I need to take better control of my life.

High over staying awake

ya know, sometime I feel like staying awake can make you feel drunk/high but I haven’t found any related scientific paper about it. let’s see here …. right now it’s 3.22AM and I drank coffee around 2AMish. wait the ish is redundant here isn’t it? heh..

anyway feels like there’s a trumpet playing on my head right now keeping me awake making me so hyped.

hmm by the way, why is it that the only time I feel motivated is after midnight when I stayed up late? but then I’m too tired to do anything although I got the motivation so I decided to do it after I woke up but then sleeping resets my motivation. its like the only time im motivated is when im not going to do it anyway. fuck my mind.

feels like this doesn’t make sense but im gonna write it anyway because I felt like sharing heh..

let’s switch topic.. as you know I like reading.. since last year especially, my days has been filled with reading light novels. I WANNA READ OTHER STUFF MAN but I keep holding it back.

ooh ooh the last couple of week I’ve been studying on javascript and node.js. you know what? Although the motivation for studying it came from a source that I would rather not mention. But it’s true tho that im studying. so clapmyhands I guess heh.

I would also like to congratulate myself a bit for founding a place to stay in Singapore. /claps I’m not homeless yay. so you see here, I didn’t reach the general cutoff weight for NTU’s dorm placement and so I nearly had to commute from Queenstown to campus(pioneer) everyday and that’s around 1 hour give or take. Luckily I managed to ask(read as pressure) my junior from high school into letting me stay in their room. So I’ll be squatting(temporary resident according to NTU) for around 7 weeks I guess? time to use my “become one with air” technique I’m so proud of.

Notice to the world

I know this won’t make much sense after a long absence but …

FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY, PLEASE CHEW WITH YOUR MOUTH CLOSED

on the same note, I hate people who are ungrateful to foods they’ve received.

you don’t wanna cook, you don’t want others to cook it for you and when we decide on a restaurant to eat on, you say that you don’t want to eat there but at the same time when you’re asked where to cook, you’ll ask back with a question, “wherever is fine, what about you?”. FUCK PISSES ME OFF SO GODDAMN MUCH.

Small rant

Well hello there. It’s been two months since my last post. Pass my days as a freeloader and finished all exam with satisfying (but not good enough/could be better) gpa.

Anyway it’s a sunny Thursday here in Indonesia and I’m here to write a small rant. It’s been a while since I last wrote anything so it may get kinda messy.

First of all, I started this blog to write stuff that consist of mostly my ranting however some of my friends and family started following this blog therefore I started to hold myself back from saying things which I probably shouldn’t. However, I start to hate myself because of that since the purpose of this blog is to become a place where I can rant all I want without care. I want to say bad things about people, I know I shouldn’t but sometimes just writing about my problem seems to help me solve it. Well at least it made me stop myself from being bottled-up emotionally. Anyway that’s that so I’ll probably offend some people and I’ll try to stop myself from publicly shaming/accusing someone or something and It’s mostly my opinion anyway so excuse me heh.

second, before writing this blog I had just taken a bath and was drying my hair. My hair’s gotten kinda long since I purposely did not cut them. Why you ask? well I was just being lazy + I was trying to see if longer hair suits me. I kinda hate how longer hair doesn’t suit me since I have curly hair. However, I also don’t like cutting my hair short. IDK man I just don’t like it, can’t really explain why. I know my hair right now doesn’t quite suits me but what pisses me off is how people say it to me. I already told my mom so she kinda held back from complaining even though she probably doesn’t like to see how it looks right now but god my sister is literally telling me that my hair is ugly and making her feel “stuffy”. FFS girl it’s my own hair why does it make you stuffy. She’s telling me that I look like a bloke. GODDAMNIT she pissed me off so much.

Well rather than pissing me off, she kinda hurt me emotionally more. I mean you can take what she said as just some joke / unintended insult but really those are the ones that hurts more in my opinion. This should be a lesson learnt. Should stop myself from casually insulting/making jokes to my friend that may hurt them emotionally.

Anyway that’s that, rant’s over. see ya later

Idiots don’t catch cold

As the saying goes, Idiots don’t catch cold. The last couple of days I’ve fallen with a cold and cough and so it proves that I’m not an idiot. I’m not sure whether I should be happy or not. シ

Looking at the beginning of it all, it seems because I ate too much tortilla chips that my throat started aching and became sore, before you know it my nose clogged up and my temperature rises. Thankfully today’s a public holiday. Not that my schedule change by a lot anyway.

Lately life seem to stop going on. repeating same old stuff and now just waiting for another month to finish this first year of mine. Assignments piled up and then exams and oh god the long awaited flight back to Indonesia. Oh how I can’t wait for the food to fill my tummy.

On another note, I’ve been reading “Yahari Ore no Seishun Love Comedy wa Machigatteiru” or Oregairu for short. I really enjoyed how the MC thinks even though it can be said that his line of thinking is a direct 180 from society’s line of thinking. Many of his lines become a favorite quote of mine and I will be quoting it a lot I guess hah. I’m becoming more and more of a weabs lol.

Such Misfortune

today…… I’ve had a very unfortunate event happened to me.

>be sitting in my room
>be 6pm alone in the dark
>be in front of lappie
>eating yogurt cause that shit is healthy yo
>using my goddamn spoon and licking it thoroughly
>then it happened
>.
>.
>.
>THE SPOON HAS FALLEN

so basically I lost my grip on the spoon and it fell. Fortunately no yogurt was spilled in the scenario.

Not really interesting per se but just wanna write it out lolol

oh and today was very boring. I had a boring morning boring afternoon and probably boring evening. Nothing happen except the fact that my roommate is gone for the day. I spent my time lazing around the laptop. Not like any other day is different tho.

Thoughts

Haven’t updated the blog in a while and here I am again. It’s been 2 weeks I suppose. Passed CNY and already the end of February.

well everything has a beginning, let’s start shall we? I guess last post was Feb 13 and that was a Friday I think? anyway the week after that I got a 2 day holiday at Thursday and Friday for CNY. Nothing big however most of my friend went back home and I spent it in Singapore instead. Ate dinner with my uncle’s family and my bro. We ate Steamboat I think and also some kind of mix of seven or eight or maybe nine kind of flavor which was a Singapore traditional food for CNY IIRC. I was full like really really full at that time. I guess it’s because I’ve been holding back on my meals so I would only reach the point of not hungry instead of full but after that dinner I was really full. Also drank some red wine, wished I could have drank more but it was my uncle’s so I didn’t bother.

Anyway that was that and the following week this week and for me it was E-Learning week. Better to call it free day except Lab though. Some class still held tutorial but mostly it’s the class that didn’t weight too heavily on my mind so I took the chance to rest and gather my thoughts. Although I said that but I was only trying to procrastinate probably haha. Last Monday I also went to the city. Went to the SRC as in Singapore Red Cross HQ(?) or Building,I should say. Anyway I went there with my superior/boss if you could call it. We went there to take some freebies that we requested for our Open House event.

Anyway the last 7 days was me procrastinating but I still got some responsibilities you know, as a student, although I wonder if you could still call me that with all this procrastinating haha. Got some test to take yesterday, a math test, a calculus math test. It wasn’t too hard ya see however I still got one question wrong and maybe more. Anyway I won’t get mad at myself for getting this one particular question wrong, I know for a fact that this was because I didn’t think things through instead of being careless and not because I didn’t know how to just that it was kind of a tricky one.What got me mad at this question though was how other people work on it. Sure some people can do this tricky one and got it right however one of my friend( if you could call it that ) was spewing strange and wrong way to solve this although he got it correct so this one is more of a personal reason.

What truly got me mad was how instead of solving this using calculus, they opt for easier way which was approximation. I suppose it’s also a way to solve the problem however I feel like it’s putting the cart before the horse. You focus on the answer and the grades instead of the knowledge on solving the problem itself. I tried using calculus and got a wrong answer, my friend who (I think) uses a wrong way but got it correct, but most student just put the number into their calculator and since it was limit x-> infinity they just put a really big number and approximate the value. It didn’t help that the problem was in the form of multiple choice and so they got it correct using something that I feel was kind of cheating.

If I have to say though, I also like the idea of finding out different ways to approach a problem. I even use deception and loopholes to solve tricky situations ( although I said that, it’s mostly in the form of games and such. Sadly I don’t have a lot of life experience ). But this time I really feel mad at the fact that someone got it correct when it was clearly a calculus math test. It was a childish outburst I suppose but I can’t tell myself to suddenly stop being mad and deal with it. It was a sign of my own childish behavior and there was nothing I could say as an argument if someone were to point it out. Oh Well, need to change the way I think I suppose? or not? haha.

Moving on, now it’s Saturday and next week is Recess week for me. Got the whole week free and I’m planning on scheduling what I do everyday because I need to catch up on material and also I feel that scheduling it will make me less prone on procrastinating. I also started running today. Felt like picking up the running habit because I’ve been influenced by the things I’ve read lately probably. It’s all main characters who exercises their body and I’ve gotten the habit of saying habits are habits because you don’t let small things change your rhythm. Hopefully will teach me a little something about discipline. Anyway running feels good when you’ve calmed down after a dash, however I almost barf a couple of time haha. I also realized that the problem with why I was reluctant to started running this morning was taking the first step. It’s easy to stop when you’re body screaming something like “I want to puke”, “Stop this”, “Let’s just go back to the room”, “Why bother doing this”, etc. Even when I rest for a while and want to run again, it’s hard to do so after resting for a period. It’s always better to take the first step and think of finishing it once you started doing it. Even I, can’t handle myself when I think of running, so instead I think of taking a step, that step becomes a larger step, picking up the pace, taking faster smaller stride or changing it to long slow stride or even a jog. Before you know it, the end is right in front of your eye.

I suppose it’s not very inspiring when the one saying this is procrastinating all the time haha. I also realized from writing this that I like to use “I think”,”I like”,”I suppose”, and the fact that I like to belittle myself is shown in the last sentence. Oh Well that’s me I suppose haha.

Anyway, this became a much longer post than I wanted it to be at the start of writing it. Goes to show my point of taking the first step I guess, haha. I realized that most people would just go “lol Didn’t read” but what’s important is me pouring out what’s been on my chest instead of people reading it isn’t it? haha